held to account

A couple of weeks back my weekly men's group had an evening where we revisited our commitment to the group's rules and one another!

Eight of us meet weekly on a Tuesday night from 6-8pm. We rotate the leadership and space holding role, so that each man gets a turn, every two months, to build deeper facilitation skills.

The man on lead for the night sets the agenda, meditation and/or breathwork as well as discussion. Plus he feeds the group.

In 5 years we have grown deep relationships, trust and care for one another but this is not a friendship group - that's just a really great by-product!

We are a group joined and focussed fundamentally on personal growth and becoming better men.

Two weeks ago we committed to being more sensitive and respectful to timing, kicking off at 6pm and closing at 8pm. We can often start late because one or two men are often a bit late and we want to connect to each other before the evening kicks off, so there is a lot of howzit’ing (South Africans special way of saying hi - with ample use of “kiff” and “lekker” “broseph’s” ;-)

We also have gotten into a rhythm where we don't stop a process/share if one of the men is in a deep part of their share just before 8pm - we have allowed it to go on as long as he needs.

Our re-commitment was that all men must show up at least 5 minutes early so that the nights plans start at 6pm sharp - no exceptions, and we have a hard close at 8pm (although the odd exception is allowed with group consensus).

In our original rules, the first 6 months of our group's life, we agreed to 2 pink slips. These pink slips were for emergencies - if you took more than two slips in 6 months, the third would obligate you to exit the group. It was a deep commitment to the work of personal growth and in taking full responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

We all committed to being FULLY IN, which became our mantra thanks to Wim Hof (one of regular breathwork guides).

In the 5 years we have been going, we have seen one another in all expressions of ourselves and in that; shared our deepest vulnerability. This “work” demands a shit ton of courage to just show up!

The other notable was that the man who is leading, takes his lead role to heart and is not complacent around the agenda and evening’s exploration (we err on the side of being very experimental, which keeps us all on our toes).

1 week later, I was up for my turn as lead!

A couple of the guys made suggestions for celebrating one of our men. It wasn't what I had planned, selfishly (and it was selfishly). I had something very different planned but the care & kind pressure won over the people pleaser in me and set me up beautifully to hold court.

But - it also and equally pissed me off that they suggested half the nights activities on a night I had long planned, that was mine to own and run and that we had just cemented our re-commitment seven days prior. How dare they!

Thankfully I know not to respond when in the emotion (when I can remember ;-) so I reached for my personalized emotional agility toolkit to fully feel the feels, write them & my thoughts out and get into my body by heading out for a hard run to clear the emotions which rose to be felt, understood and exhausted.

This process helps me find my truth beyond my knee jerk emotive response which is mostly unhelpful and can end in “why the heck did I say that, in that way”.

I spoke (or more truthfully typed) my truth from a centered place and ended up having really great one on one conversations with two men and because of speaking my truth, I didn’t carry resentment in silence which use to feed an old passive aggressive habit.

This has been the hardest and most gratifying work I have focussed on, to disentangle a passive aggressive habit I have largely changed, thanks to these men specifically, as well as my partner Marissa.

Once more; these men and the trust which comes from facing myself truthfully in community made it safe to work on this growth aspect. This is the power of our group's commitment to growth - courage to share and the safety to get it wrong!

So back to how amazing I am in virtuously speaking deep truth with such grace….. Hahaha, sometimes that's true - sometimes it's a crock of shit ;-)

Feeling right and being seen is a wonderful feeling, but it can lead to an arrogance in me as well as a resistance to being wrong! And that is not helpful, so I keep a keen eye out for that monkey in particular.

It felt appropriate to ground this share with a little internal audit: Where have I broken my own rules and commitments to myself?

A month ago I decided not to run an ultra trail race I had planned for this year, so that I could focus on my work and specific debt recovery! Preparing for a big race needs a lot of body work and alignment, an investment I calculated at around R40 000 ($2000), which also includes multiple running shoes and gear updates. Not to mention the time cost!

What have I done to commit to servicing this debt?

Nothing : - ( Well, nearly,.. I created a new budget tracker.

Eish,… how very human of me. Holding others to account and letting myself off the hook.

It is not the first time I have seen this hypocrisy in myself and because of that I can also see it in others more clearly, with less judgement.

The process of holding myself to account at the same time as I hold someone else accountable literally results in the state of my health, my bank balance and the ease at which I am a human being.

The theme I have been working with, this year, is telling the truth to both myself and others. It is not something I originally thought was a problem but the more I stretch myself to share, the more I realize the magnitude of how I manage and tweak what I share!

Ya, it is a problem, not only within myself but is acute in business and politics particularly.

It's so much easier to look at political heads and business moguls, especially, and point out this truth paradox/hypocrisy.

Are they merely reflecting an exaggerated version of what we can't yet accept within ourselves?

Oooohh, that’s got a little discomfort to it ;-)

Being a social species we are defined by our relationship to others, which is the greatest indicator of physical health - the depth of our connection to others.

Truth seems to be a significant and highly present ingredient in my most treasured relationships. The longer someone knows me the more of me they get to see, which is also the greater the truth they are exposed to! Good, bad and ugly - if I care to judge myself!

Marissa and I are nearly half way in an incredible mediation course called Mindful Self Compassion (MSC). As we get deeper into the course it becomes strikingly clear where the problem is with this truth topic and who the culprit is - my judgment and behavior towards myself!

It's not Trump that scares me actually - it's the voice inside my own head that he represents when he carries out his selfish and judgmental antics!

Judgment of myself creates judgment against others

Compassion toward myself results in compassion to others

It's not rocket science.

The more compassion I offer myself in seeing and speaking my truth the better human I become, and the healthier, happier and the more integrity I hold!

So does that mean that angry, hurt and those expressing being a victim are just people who don’t know self-care or to care first for themselves?

Sounds very “Gandhi”!

It feels like it brings a difficult account to “be the change you wish to see in the world”. Amazing how some old sayings can materialize into 3D when fully understood through an experience in ourselves!

Time to replace the term “brutal or hard truth” with “care filled truth”

Thanks for reading - the idealist hippie in me appreciates you getting here ;-)