the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off

I love this quote from Gloria Steinem.

I didn't like it for a long time because truth felt vicious before I was able to accept and integrate it. It feels poetic now, but that is in the comfort of hindsight ;-)

Today is a significant day for me!

Ordinarily, I am actually quite shit at anniversaries and birthdays but the 20th of June every year, I have chosen to make significant, because in 2024 it is the 16th anniversary of my oncologist saying to me “your treatment is complete, it's time you went out there and began to live your life”.

I call it my life day, to remind myself not to take this thing/gift for granted and to check in with myself around taking ownership of my life and my health across the mental, emotional and physical aspects as the core ingredients.

My truth today about that period…

… my cancer and the experience of having cancer was my fault, a result of my choices and an invitation to take full responsibility for my life and the choices I make which are a culmination of every choice and action, until that time!

Same as my finances, my relationships, my perspective and my ability to sit within uncomfortable truths.

And for those who are triggered by this blog,… my cancer was skin and sun related although my current belief is that dis-ease begins and is healed within the emotional body. This is my truth, one which I earned the right to! I truly mean no harm if it stirs pain, shame or blame!

I am writing this in the medical practice of Dr Dagma Whitaker, my dermatologist, waiting to see her for a check up after a “cancer flare up” a few months back (this appointment was scheduled accidentally on today's date by Dagmas assistant - how ironic, right).

During my cancer journey I felt victim to my diagnosis. It's a shitty thing getting diagnosed with cancer, like a really shitty experience but I certainly felt then and for years after that, that I was innocent and the sun was the culprit.

I was victim to cancer!

This is a very disempowering perspective and this mindset left me feeling scared shitless because if I had nothing to do with it, how could I avoid it from returning?

Life/God/coincidence has an odd and beautiful way of guiding me to exploring a more empowered state of being in my life.

Dagma seeded the link between my food and my health, Dr ABC mentioned how my awareness alone influences my health and Dr Brennan reinforced my mind’s ability to add or subtract health to my physical body.

Professor Fagan unapologetically didn't even mention the prognosis statistics I fell into, and in doing so - emotionally supercharged my journey of understanding of the seemingly magic and mystical connection between mind, body and emotions.

These seeds grew all by themselves into an insatiable curiosity towards exploring this interconnectedness of health and wellbeing. All amazing and dandy until that ultimate invitation and truth slapped me solidly in the face….

My cancer was my responsibility. If I choose to go back to my old and mostly unconscious way of choice and action, I will get the same results, because I am adding the same ingredients to an ultimately poisonous dish.

Brings up that quote that's attributed to Einstein (not sure it is) “insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results”

The invitation - to own the sequence of choices and actions that led me to my diagnosis or face the consequences, whatever those might be!

I have learned that if I don't take responsibility, I more often than not repeat behavior and I have observed this in others and not only myself.

I am truly a softie and have always been, so like many sensitive types (in denial) in our society I used alcohol to dull and deny many truths from landing in their full weight! But life, in its beauty and grace, has a way of guiding me from digestible morsel to digestible morsel until the dish reveals itself fully (Blog: follow the breadcrumbs).

16 years down the line I have taken ownership or rather am still peeling that next onion layer as a new one becomes visible and know I cannot change if I don't accept a deeper truth.

Recently I understood the deepest layer of owning truth equations like this one.

There is a catalyst to navigating emotional discomfort and acceptance of truth, past shame, guilt, hurt and pain which are arguably the seeds of disease if not allowed.

It’s kindness, compassion, empathy and grace… all self facing!

I believe that the evolution of the human race is currently rooted in truth coated with the compassion to enable a person to digest it!

Truth without empathy is cruelty to my experience, and it's my learning currently (I don't get it right most often actually, which is very frustrating and hypocritical!) I think someone smart has actually said that first bit.

I always wanted to print an army of t-shirts - “be kind to your fine self”. It's like a revolutionary belief these days which seems downgraded in value, as “soft” or “weak” ;-)

It's one thing AI might be missing for me. I keep thanking ChatGpt for the results - hopefully it reads between the lines ;-)