walking my talk

Whenever I write a blog, it seems to call in a deeper learning for that lesson.

My blog has become a personal growth diary and record of my learning process to integrate an intellectual theme into an experience ( = integration).

(I have this hypothesis that directed awareness is the seed, invitation and integration of personal growth - rather than what I used to refer to as “working on” a perspective I wish to change)

My last blog was about facing the enemy!

“the enemy”... I now realise means very different things to different people. For me it's the part of myself which I have not yet fully faced, accepted or integrated.

It's not an out there thing, it's an inside thing.

Anger and its opposite apathy (I don't care) are sure signs for me that something I have said or have done is not aligned to my values.

When I turn to face and feel these emotions that sit within being “triggered” with curiosity rather than judgment when they arise, they seem to offer insight around change. A change I wish to embody.

This is the process Dr Susan Davids refers to in growing Emotional Agility, which in her research could actually be interchanged with Mental Health.

When I focus on an area of my life I wish to make a change in, I seem to invite a dialed up and often uncomfortable experience into my life, before I can change a patterned belief (those things that govern our lives, our health and our relationships).

Peter Crone says it best - “Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you’re not yet free.”

His quote is a nice and eloquent way of saying that being “triggered” holds in it, a yet undiscovered gift towards being free of old patterned behavior. Something which I wish to outgrow and redefine in my belief system.

And to become free, I realise I am being asked to face these things, these triggers (a word that now ironically triggers me ;-) which I have previously been unwilling to explore.

Avoidance and distraction are much easier but they gift nothing to my peace of mind and freedom from an immature emotional reaction and conditioned perspective.

As my friend, Hester-Karin, says “the ouchie is the way” ;-)

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I was gifted a free family constellation teacher training program by a human who is the master of their field and beyond that, models fierce compassion better than any man I have ever met.

Richard is a rare balance in a full human embodiment of ferocity for personal accountability (for himself and those around him) and a deep hearted compassion & care in seeing those he serves and loves, to rise to meet their bravest, most compassionate and most integrated selves.

A master facilitator and an imperfect human in perfect marriage.

He sits alongside my father, father in law and uncles as men I deeply respect and admire, each for slightly different reasons. He is a version of myself I wish to realise more of; in this life.

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Fast forward 3 months and I have not taken any action which I intended to take, in order to grow this new skillset as a family constellation practitioner.

Since my training and a deeeeep and amazing constellation along my fathers family line, the work I have chosen to focus on has begun to take off in the most unexpected way, and incredibly quickly.

Richard teaches that a clearing in the family along the masculine line has an effect on financial and career success as well as general self worth - yip this stuff is hard to understand and make sense of but holy shit, if that's not a divine coincidence ;-)

I received an email from Richard three months after our training, mentioning how I had shared my intent enthusiastically with him during the course about growing this skillset but my actions, since the training, showed nothing of that intention and insinuated commitment.

I felt guilt, shame, hurt and then anger & apathy rise - “the ouchie”

My first email response draft was a real mansplaining email. I asked Marissa to look over it and she helped me realise I was overexplaining - a sure sign of a lack of personal accountability for me!

I fucked up with someone I respected and could not, or more truthfully CHOSE not to take full responsibility!

aaaaaggggghhhhhhh

There is something about a cleanly spoken truth, said firmly with love by someone I respect highly which has a way of bringing me sharply into focus around my failure in integrity and compromised trust in a relationship.

I have often confused intention with commitment, but they are worlds apart.

When I look at a world and enter those idealistic conversations about what I wish the world to be like, where we all get along a little more than we are…

One which has less corruption, more transparency and more humanity in it… it becomes clear to me that it's actually not Trump or Harris who are the problem!

The “trigger” is because what I see being modeled in “them” and which lives within the shadows in my behavior! Fuck sakes!

I don't think there is a more painful space for me to be in, than when my inner people pleaser overcommits and I break my word with someone I care about.

8 years into therapy, 5 into a men's accountability & personal growth group and nearly 6 years into a relationship with a fiercely loving and strong willed woman.

By far the most real, the most human and the most connected I have been with any and all my humans is when I have screwed up and then made the choice to own it!

In each of my best and deepest relationships I have royally screwed up… and it's only when I own that, that my connection with those that I love thickens, deepens and binds our bond.

Before… I rarely owned my breaks in trust and also rarely got what I truly wanted in the depth of a relationship!

Now… I rarely don't own my bullshit and I can't believe how my life has changed because I am making fewer excuses…

My new and still evolving realization and knowing…

Personal Accountability grows Trust

Trust is the foundation of Living Authentically

Trust & Living authentically grows Healthy Relationships

Healthy Relationships = Improved Physical Health, better Business Outcomes, far greater Personal Safety and a deep and genuine Contentment with life and myself!

(oh and I might add, I just bought one of my dream vehicles as a consequence of all of this, because it's also good for the business bottom line too ;-)

And all I had to do was begin walking my talk while giving myself a little grace, every now and again.

Seems so simple ;-)

It is, but it's not easy (just ask me when I fall into my humanity once again after you have read this blog ;-)

This blog has been inspired by Samuel Kabulo ;-)