"failure" on the to-do list
When I first met Marissa, my partner, about 3 years back I noticed she had one item on her fridges “to-do list” - it was FAIL.
I was astounded at how wise, insightful and courageous this was to have as something to accomplish in a day. Like most people, I have allowed a perspective of this word to interrupt potential in every single aspect of my life.
In that moment I fell in love, that much more, with Marissa (and which thankfully set a tone for humour as a foundation in our relationship).
Turns out she needed to restock her “foil” and I needed to go to my optometrist ;-)
We still keep this note on our fridge to remind us that chasing failure with enthusiasm is a worthy pursuit and one which serves us to stretch outside of what is comfortable and feel the warm sense of adrenaline as we challenge old stories, live deeper, adapt to change and grow our playfulness.
I wrote this next blog post 12 years ago, published in Insight magazine, when I experienced a cacophony of failure in one tight period of time… it seems just as relevant now as it was then ;-)
Failure defined
My first business failed today after three years of blood, sweat and tears!
My heart's long term relationship failed two months ago after nearly 5 years of unbelievable and divine love, challenge and heart!
My health failed two years ago resulting in near fatal cancer!
I failed to hold onto my first home because of the ripple effect.
Excerpt from http://www.askoxford.com
Failure
• noun 1 lack of success. 2 an unsuccessful person or thing. 3 the omission of expected or required action. 4 an instance or the state of not functioning.
Since I was a child, failure has scared me into action and inaction which has had a disruptive impact on my experience in this life that I can't even begin to unpack. Fear of failure has cost me stolen kisses, the opportunity to be great at sport, the job I really wanted, one of the greatest people I have met and the life I have yearned for but felt fear to reach for, because I might just fail.
If I fail a year at school or University I said I am stupid
If I fail at asking a girl out, I am a coward
If I fail at sport, I am a shit sportsman
If I fail to make money, I am poor
If I failed in love, I can't compromise, have attachment issues and everything is my fault (at least half actually was true), but that's another chapter called “forgiving thy fine ass self”
If I am “a failure” I likely have a combination of the above (especially money)
Stupid, lacks courage, shit sportsman, poor, can’t compromise… yip - general failure
These are labels I have “learnt” when I was young and in my formative years that consciously and subconsciously define who I am for the rest of your life until I become aware of their cause and effect. Nothing is more damaging than the application of these labels in forming a balanced human being who has self respect and potential.
After reading many “successful” (materially wealthy) people’s autobiographies a common thread begins to emerge in that their definition of failure does not sync with my “learned” definition. They all seem to view the failures as the defining steps along their path, those experiences which directed them when they were approaching life from the wrong angle!
Imagine these great woman and men wrote the Oxford dictionary definition for “failure”.
Failure
• noun 1 first step to success. 2 a successful person or thing in training. 3 the prelude of expected or required action. 4 an instance or the state prior to functioning. 5 That which sculpts success.
Or maybe the old definition serves as a right of passage “gatekeeper” for those who have come of age. It seems the world will define us if we let it!
