the grace and gifts in doing hard things!
I have recently been asked why I would even consider running a 100 mile trail race. I realise most people asking this question actually use it more as a statement than a question because the WHY behind something this big seems to be and stays mostly unspoken.
Over 10 years ago I knew I was going to train and complete a benchmark South African 100 miler but I needed to have a very good reason. Let me explain…
I went through a three year phase in my thirties where I did 10 Ultra’s (a race longer than 42km). It all started out as an exciting exploration of what my body was capable of doing but ended up being sugar for my ego and a block for facing certain truths about how I was living my life. I wasn't still long enough for my mind to even consider what I might have been running away from.
My closest mate/brother Dave, without intent or awareness, jokingly said to me after I had done about 8 ultra races - “what are you running away from”. It stopped me dead in my tracks because I knew he accidentally stepped right into a truth I wasn't ready to digest. I had “baggage” I was deeply invested in carrying, it seemed. &%#$ sakes :-(
After this bomb landed and I had my Forest Gump moment two races later. On a training run I just stopped running, walked back to my car and never ran again for 7 years.
I then found a therapist and decided to dedicate myself to doing some internal investigation.
No more abusing my body because I couldn't face something uncomfortable!
Fast forward a handful of years later (7 months ago) after the worst of the COVID restrictions had lifted, I felt a residual feeling of being “trapped” and a rising need to do something BIG to break that tension, especially mentally after all the restrictions of COVID 19.
I had my eyes on a 65km race I really love called the Skyrun. I asked my mate, Ryan, if he was keen to join me getting back into trail running.
“Pal, if we are going to do something, we are going to find the biggest distance in the biggest mountains and do this thing properly. How about Ultimate Trail Drakensberg 100 miler (UTD) ?” Ryan Dix Peek
When Ryan starts a sentence with “Pal” I know whatever he says afterwards comes with firm and unwavering conviction - and which must be heard ;-)
I needed time to figure out if I had a good enough WHY, so I took a month to decide because I knew the cost of that decision and sacrifices needed. Or at least I thought I did!
In my work I support & guide humans (staff in medium sized businesses) to initiate and bring awareness into changes in their body, mind or emotions to bring more fulfilment into a healthier life. One of the truths I know and use to great effect is that when someone makes a change physically, the mind and the emotions shift and adjust in very interesting ways. The body-mind connection is a pretty amazing thing to experiment with!
After meeting Marissa, (my life partner/wife) I have grown an appetite for creating a home which we can nurture and have people we love spend quality time with us. I have always been a nomad who travels light but now, thanks to Marissa and the dawn of a new life stage, this new urge is asking me to step with far more confidence into my work and my career.
The reason I did the UTD 100 miler has been to break the stories in my mind (and emotions) that keep my expectation of myself smaller than they should be - I want to live to my potential and not my fears.
If I can do what I deem near impossible with my body, UTD 100 miler, then what am I able to do in other aspects of my life?… yip that was it, I found a damn fine WHY!
FULLY IN!
Fast forward to Ryan and I completing 166km non stop across the Drakensberg Mountains, in 35 hours and 38 hours respectively.
The gifts and growth from completing this race have far exceeded my expectations. As a self confessed personal growth addict, I am struggling to make sense of all the mindset and emotional changes which I am currently digesting.
The greatest gift I have gotten from this journey is the realisation of what feeds my life, my resolve, my inspiration, my courage, my perseverance, my determination, my adventuring spirit…
Ryan created a whatsapp group the night before our run which as I understood it, was a group to update our parents and family who wanted to know we were safe. That was my impression…
After I had run for 100km over 24 hours through fever and diarrhoea I saw our support crew for the first time.
What blew me away was the amount of people tracking us and the messages of support from this group were coming fast and furious. I had family who would not sleep because they knew Ryan and I didnt ;-)
I had a close friend who was meant to be in Italy but ended up driving 4 hours in the early hours of the morning to support me and play “eye of the tiger” across the entire SA section of the race (66 km of 166 km ;-)
The support was diabolical and I felt like people were reacting like Ryan and I had cured cancer. We were just running!
The tone of the messaging and adoration felt excessive and I felt quite unworthy of it all because the emotions that were being poured out to us were beyond our minds comprehension at this point.
The impact: The period from the 100km mark (24 hours running) to 144km mark (32 hours running) was the easiest running I did the whole race. I was being loved and supported so damn hard that I felt my body actually surge with energy when I hugged Marissa for the first time. Ian, who seconded me, ran those 44km reading messages to me, feeding me, kicking my ass to move consistently but not push too hard. That support and the messages were tangible fuel to me - and it energised me far beyond anything I could have imagined.
At about 135km Ian read out two messages which penetrated my tenacious armour. To complete these races I lock into a level of determination that is very masculine and fiercely single minded in focus - stubborn, determined & somewhat aggressive.
My belief was that all the other emotions (happy, sad, fearful, hopeless…) have no place in these races.
Well that was bullshit - after leaving my support team for the last time I cried for 3km.
This is where deep magic unravelled and the WHY behind this race locked into focus.
I looked at my life with the clearest view of what I was grateful for, the tears of gratitude just poured down my face in an ugly and sacred cry. For 20 minutes I felt and saw the beauty in my life in a way that very few people will ever get to experience.
It took 7 months of hard training, sacrifices and exhaustion plus 144km of hard running and climbing for me to see and feel what I did in those 20 minutes. An experience that has changed the way I fundamentally view my life - from agnostic to deeply grateful.
The humans in my life are the cause of more Joy than I ever expected, the people in my life are the cause of my inspiration, the people in my life are the only reason I have gotten this far, this well and have a life this fulfilling.
I understand uBuntu experientially now and everything I now look at is different because my belief in myself is not limited by who I am as an individual but rather who I am inextricably tied to within my friends and my family and my connection to every weirdo I have the privilege of witnessing ;-)
My limits are far further into the distance because I know I am a part of a tribe and not only an individual and that chasing hard things for the right reason is actually pure Joy, plus a few other emotions, but mostly JOY and that is a reason for getting out of bed.
Purpose found - chasing big fun things which matter ;-)
So why did I run 100 miles? I did it to chase down a bigger, more confident version of myself and what I got was far greater… I caught a glimpse of the divinity within myself and the value and sacredness of my connection to others.
I can't shake the gratitude, and the objective perspective it gifted me, for even the shitty things which happen in life and I now have a knowing that Me & my tribe can pretty much do whatever we want, if we want it enough!
It's nice to know that I am more a part of we than me ;-)
