perspective, choice & hope in a time of uncertainty
Peggy: I have chosen my memorial song.
Brett: Peanut Butter Jelly?
Peggy: Lol, Coldplay Fix You!
Brett: Goose flesh. Beautiful honey, That’s a good one.
Peggy shared with me 48 hours ago, after the above conversation, that her doctor had told her that her cancer is inoperable. She is 42 years old, and this is her second time in the cancer game, but this time around, the decisions are harder, the words the doctors use are more frightening and hope seems as unrealistic as the mythical Pegasus.
I asked Peggy, a question I have never had the honour to ask anyone before - Did she wanted me to support her in fostering hope for more life or should I focus on supporting her in making the last chapter of her life, her most fulfilling? …. There is much truth facing two people need to independently and jointly face before this question becomes a possibility (and an incredible honour).
I have supported many people facing their mortality within a cancer diagnosis, but never have I witnessed acceptance and wisdom in a human who has chosen which truth she is going to believe, no matter her life or her end.
The same day Peggy told me that her cancer tumours were inoperable I was driving my favourite stretch of road on the planet, the N2 between Cape Town and Paradise Beach with my gearbox screaming its last words as I limped into Paradise Beach (a seaside village in the Eastern Cape of South Africa).
The anxiety and uncertainty of my car reaching Paradise Beach caused a really fearful storyline in my mind as my gearbox’s little issue began to rattle the entire vehicle, getting more dramatic as I drove. I noticed myself hunched over my steering wheel, shoulders tense and my mind trying to find all the scenarios this could end in - they weren’t the glass half full stories.
At the same time as my gearbox began to die - Peggy is facing the hardest decision that she has ever made in her life. Does she live in hope of HOPE or does she accept the inevitability of her death within 2.5 years, and leave behind people she loves so fiercely, hiking which is her life blood and a loving mother, dog and amazing partner that fill her love tank/her life tank.
How does she choose her mindset, with all this to lose?
Being a coach and support for others, in this time of COVID and change, the more I hear other human beings' realities the more aware I become that most of the difficulties I currently face, won't even be a memory in years to come and that I would rather keep my challenges than shoulder what some other humans face.
If Peggy was facing my Friday… I expect she would have been driving that last hour of dying gearbox, using the shake of the car to throw her hips into rhythm with her favorite song playing full taps, she would be singing at her lungs loudest and marvelling at the rain falling in the Eastern Cape (an extreme drought stricken area).
All of this while at the same time accepting that this gearbox was dying, and that was ok and that whatever happened in the gearbox’s last chapter, it was going to be remarkable.
I also know that Peggy will have many more moments similar to that of my gearbox episode and that I will have many of her acceptance & life affirming heart spaces. We are inherently such a vulnerable species, it’s a shame we pretend we aren't, so much of the time. There is so much life to be witnessed without our masks.
Peggy: you are a gangsta!
I Love you!
Thank you!
Caveat: This story is shared to spread some inspiration of one human's experience in facing life with an open heart and mind. Please do not use this in comparing your difficulties to that of Peggy (worst idea on the planet). Every emotion and feeling is legitimate and deserves some room to be felt in safety.
Whatever you are going through right now, I truly hope you face it with more heart than head. Don't forget the head but the heart is the boss. ;-)
Peggy’s name is a complete lie, but every other word is very real. Love to you
MWAH - from both Peggy and myself
