discomfort with the man in the mirror

As South Africans process a deeply sad and trying week where old racial and inequality wounds seem to have been used to seed divisiveness and violence in our country, Mandela Day could not have been better timed to reflect on who we are and how we choose to see ourselves. 

The Truth and Reconciliation Commission has been globally heralded as revolutionary in healing from the atrocities of apartheid through dialogue and owning our roles in hurting others because of the stories in our heads, of who we are in relation to those “others”. 

On Mandela day I found myself reflecting on where in my life I have judged others hastily without asking for their side of the story, for the action I took or the action I didn't take and which also validated my beliefs around not only race, the fortune of my white skin and the further luck in being a male, but also my day to day prejudices & perceptions and what created them. 

I am a fierce student of self awareness and self development - as one of my mates Jean says - “I worship at the altar of personal growth” - to face, accept and choose who I am and not blame my parents, my country or my past for the person I have become or the beliefs which I stand behind.

Over the past week I have been trained by a master coach in the skill of having crucial conversations to be fully truthful in my intentions and motivation so that I can relieve my passive aggressive behaviour and use my voice to stand in and by my values and beliefs - so that I choose truth over comfort. 

Within this training I have been amazed at how accessible and simple a technique like reflecting on my motivation and my intention can bring me confidence in voicing a truth I fear to speak out to myself or to another person. 

I also see the cost of keeping quiet and not being true to myself and what’s come from it - it's fueled resentment, passive aggressive behavior, judgement and, I dare admit it, cancer in my case.

It's a fucking hard lesson to learn that my lack of courage to speak my truth has cost me so much, as I see many people (who I deeply love) fall into stories of race and judgment before pausing to understand what might be behind this dark week in South Africa. 

How much of my silence and need to be accepted and loved by people have I played a role in feeding this type of passive aggressive judgement in my country and in my life? Eish… a mirror can be a kak thing because I realise it's only a part of my own reflection that I see in my judgment of others.

A legend in the world of truth facing is a guy named Peter Crone and he has a saying which goes like this “Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not yet free”

I have taken this to heart and as life would have it, I have been given many tough opportunities, this week, to practice using this new toolkit of seeking to go through dishonest harmony into honest conflict in order to have a meaningful and truthful seeing of myself and of others. 

I have been on the giving end, initiating where I need to speak something out, and I have also been on the receiving end of tough truths received (the fault being fully mine to own). 

Although the content of my most recent falter remains fiercely private, the wisdom is something worth sharing because in this weeks training, Claudette (our very skilled facilitator) highlighted the importance of looking bravely at our intention and motivation behind our role in creating and maintaining the dishonest harmony and how owning this is the starting point before we even consider dialogue.

The key she mentions, is to be brave enough to be honest with ourselves around our motivation before thinking of getting into dialogue and not only with regards to another person, but ourselves first. She uses the wording “getting into our hearts” as the most crucial step and secret to crucial conversations.

So in line with how I experience LIFE now, I recently experienced this from the failure perspective of the equation where I failed to own my inaction - where what I did hurt someone I love, very deeply.

I was humbled beyond words at how someone I value deeply, communicated from what feels like their soul with absolute grace - what my action/inaction felt like in their experience. Their intention and motivation to explain their pain was clearly to love me, but to speak truth into that. 

I have some tough conversations I need to have later this week with some very good humans. They won't be comfortable but thanks to being the recipient of such unforeseen grace and care, I know how to - through compassion, grace and empathy before reaching for any toolkit.

It both disturbs me and inspires me that I see such deep love as well as harsh judgment in the world coming to a head and that both are reflections of some aspect which lives within me, but through the grace of how I recently received truth, I realise that when I have the opportunity to have tough conversations I have the choice to speak from judgement or through empathic compassion, because both exist and live within me.

I could not recommend Keep it Candid training more - contact Claudette Moore to book your team training.