right wrong right wrong right left...

I realized over the last month that I often get stuck in looking through the lens of right and wrong/good and bad especially in terms of my relationships…

… rather than a lens of polarity in right and left or hot and cold.

The former being a judgment and the latter, a position between two contrasting points.

I had a chat with one of my good friends this morning. Her mum is planning on immigrating to the USA to be with and live with her sister, and her family.

“If Trump gets in again, I am not going to move to the USA”

I often relate to this stance, as well as the content, because Trump represents a whole bunch of values based red flags - he has not stood for human connection, collaboration or reconciliation,.. in fact he is a deeply divisive human being, from my perspective.

But, here is where it gets uncomfortable, because of how often I catch myself there... This is a RIGHT or WRONG stance based on a judgment, and it ignores well being - ones core relationships.

In this case, the cost of being right is the loss of nurturing key intimate relationships - an ingredient proven to impact more than our wellbeing, but our physical health and mental state!

The cost of this decision means this mother does not get to connect with and truly get to know her daughter intimately and in so doing nourishes herself, her health and the pieces of her heart which lives outside of her body - her kids, and their kids.

The decision, from one perspective, is all about being right rather than being with her family!

(and we are mammals - our lives, like with all mammals, length & very survival is dependent on the strength of our relationships - the evidence, science and research is actually now irrefutable)

I asked myself after the chat - when do I do this in my life, and don't realize it?

I experienced this “being right rather than connecting” in the height of COVID when I had a very different perspective to my parents safety and risk than my sister did. My sister also lives abroad, and I ignored how this was impacting her anxiety and concern being so far away in such a weird time on earth! I had selfishly made plans, and had built up expectations already so I focussed on defense!

I found myself trying to convince my sister of my perspective rather than leaning into her for support and real connection, with my first and favorite bestie!

Arguably, I wanted to be right more than I wanted to connect! Eish…

I see it often in how I sometimes respond to my wife… being right rather than connected to my human.

And I am by no means preaching dishonest harmony vs honest conflict - that shit is bad for us all and to my understanding, it invites disease into our lives with red carpet treatment!

What I am reflecting on here is how often my listening is focussed on how to respond and convince the other person of my perspective rather than to listen attentively to understand a different point of view!

It feels like a very human and very programmed approach and if I look at social media now… I have never seen as much “against othering” as I am seeing now…

A couple of years ago I went through “Crucial Conversations” training, which was very impactful. The key of the methodology is to navigate difficult conversations well by monitoring ourselves to make sure our intention was to understand rather than convince others of our stance.

I realized my intention, as with the other six men I was being trained with, changed quickly and often in silence.

I would start off wanting to find a common ground but within a moment, be on track to prove to them that I was right!

It was absolutely mind blowing how quickly and without realizing it, my intention changed to ensure I was seen as right!

Sneaky monkey ;-)

And since writing the line above, I found myself chasing being RIGHT with my partner by asking her for her perspective about a client! And then arguing with her, because she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear - to be validated ;-)

I listen to her but afterwards I know in my bones that I am actually only gathering information to argue my position!

My mind says…

“Once again, it's her that's not listening to me, not seeing me. She needs to validate me…”

And there it is! I caught it again - listening to persuade rather than understand.

Is that what sits below and beneath judgment… being seen, being honored, being heard?

Is true vulnerability for me - the yearning of being witnessed and accepted without judgment, as fully human, wrong and all… ?

How very mammal of me ;-)

Is judgment, an unconscious response to not feeling acknowledged, seen, heard and validated?

I am liking questions to explore rather than conclusions to know, of late… so I am going to leave it there ;-)