imposter syndrome & perspective

I am a massive fan of the enneagram in helping me understand how I have created my personality or personal reality in this lifetime. The lens through which I see the world is tainted by my perspective of myself through the filter of my life experiences and the beliefs I have created in my mind around these memories.

In more recent years I have come to the phenomenal conclusion that my perspective is not reality - it's only my perspective. Big one right ;-)

As obvious as this might sound, I find the tension that this unravels is significant. Let's start with an obvious one…

Getting on a plane and flying to another country is not only possible for me but an annual occurrence in my life. To someone else, it's inconceivable and as unlikely as swimming to Key West from Cape Town. Perspective as it relates to possibility is so deeply subjective.

Less obvious are these beliefs as they influence the salary we might consider worth our while or hourly rate for coaching services rendered.

What am I worth from a financial perspective as a coach?

I currently charge between R950 ($50) and R2400 ($128) per hour as a coach, death doula and enneagram specialist depending on the amount of pre and post support and reporting required. The variance depends on perceived affordability, perceived value of reporting and perceived value of the coaching benefit ultimately.

Peter Crone, who sits in a relative league of his own as a coach to the uber wealthy and successful of the world, charges R62 650.44 per hour ($10 000.00 per 3 hours) for his coaching services.

What is Peter Crones perceived worth per hour?

What separates the two of us from seeing ourselves so differently and perceiving our worth against such different values.

When I look at Peter Crones rate, a part of me just sits gobsmacked. How in the hell or heaven did he get to a point that he felt he was worth $ 10 000.00 for three hours of his time!?!?

This dichotomy is not only real in the world of financial worth, it becomes visible in our health, our relationships, the cars we drive and the homes in which we live.

My first real job in South Africa after my vagabond stint around the world was working for Mark Shuttleworth, one of the youngest self made billionaires in South Africa. When I sat and spoke to Mark there was this tension within me which placed him in the league of a “Peter Crone” and me, not so much! These “successful” people have made me feel inadequate. They have made me feel less capable, less talented, less skilled and less successful! I feel like an imposter!

The secret I see and work with now is in my language and framing - “they have made me”. Untrue - I chose to unconsciously put these humans on a pedestal. I have chosen to value their success more than mine, their courage more than mine, their values more than mine.

I had an interesting realization a few weeks back after I had finished a session with my mentor (who I met working for Mark). She asked me a peculiar question as we said goodbye to one another - Is this valuable at all to you? These chats?

I pay my mentor (19 year relationship as ceo, coach, mentor & friend) a fair rate and I drive 50 km each way to see her face to face. She is the epitome of confidence, strength and success on all of life fronts for me. She courageously steps into life and has the rewards and life that reflect this approach. I admire her for her values, her care of people, her incredible leadership skillset and even her amassed wealth/safety.

Her incredible vulnerability and openness unlocked an awareness for me. It helped me see something else - no one is immune to an occasional visit from the imposter? No one!

The day after this chat, I took a little time and looked at my life more objectively and was forever altered in my perspective of my personal and subjective success.

30 years ago I dreamed of meeting someone who is kind, loving, beautiful and fierce; to share my life with!

CHECK: Marissa is beyond what I expected in a partner on every single level and she only walked into my life at the age of 44.

20 years ago I dreamed of doing work which is meaningful, satisfying and human focussed!

CHECK: I am paid to show people the genius of who they are and witness them fully as an imperfect human, a worthy one!

17 years ago I prayed to be shaken out of mediocrity into deep purpose!

CHECK: Got cancer, got through it and set off on a path that I am forever grateful to have awoken into!

2 years ago I dreamed of pushing my body and mind beyond what I thought was possible!

CHECK: I ran a 100 mile race in the most beautiful mountains on the planet, and I now also understood the importance of my people in my little world.

I realized as I shared this with my mentor of nearly two decades that I had actually realized nearly every single big & meaningful goal and dream I had envisioned, barring a few on the “security” list and an endless list entitled “that would be amazing to experience”, which I am working on currently.

I go out of my way to read advice from people who are on their deathbeds. One of my biggest fears is getting to 80/90 years old and not fully have had the courage to really live FULLY IN.

In every single “advice list” from these folk on their last chapter, they never speak about things, they speak about people and experiences as being what they wished they had focussed on during their living years. And they speak of the courage to find their own truth of success ;-)

Such a subjective thing - “success”, isn't it ;-)