men who… authentically connect?

In 2019 I watched the world cup rugby final as Siya Kolisi led our Springbok rugby team to our third world cup final win. I was at one the oldest pubs in Cape Town - Forries or Foresters Arms.

What stands proud in my memories more than anything else from that day, was an image of this pub filled to the brim with men crying openly as our national anthem was sung, and the faces of our Springbok warriors were televised for the world to witness, in their emotions.

You could see in their faces, the look in their eyes, just what was about to happen - their emotional conviction spoke to a nation that morning, drawing out an emotional response of our own!

Why is it that once every 8 years, on average in South Africa, us men allow ourselves to be emotional, and in public nogal?

Brene Brown, who is the guru of vulnerability, was challenged by a man who basically said to her “the woman in my life would rather have me die on top of my white horse than see me fall”. View the clip HERE

My intention is not to point a finger at women by using this quote. I use this to highlight a societal issue around men and what we are missing.

Men, in general, wear the mantle of being “strong” and keeping our shit together, no matter what we encounter. Society perpetuates this stereotype with state presidents who never speak vulnerably, admit fault or failure and business leaders who don’t share the full story, leaving out parts which could be seen as “weak”… we predominantly present ourselves by projecting “strength & confidence” above most else.

Most of us men learn to grin and bear these weights, both the weight we have chosen as well as that which we didn’t choose but are expected to carry!

That said I am also a massive fan of Jordan Peterson who explains that a crucial aspect of healthy masculinity as being able and willing to take on responsibility, firstly for oneself (our actions and their effects on others) and then for those who are within our heart and care space; family, friends, community and specifically; to honor and serve these humans.

What is missing then in this polarity?

Alcohol is one ingredient that I have used and see many of us men use to connect with one another. Sport is another, wilderness adventures - yet another.

Some are healthier than others but one thing I have learned over the last 3 years is that the more I connect truthfully with myself and the men in my life, the more I hear the strain of carrying unchosen responsibility, the strain of being “in control”, the weight of having the right answers and how it can and has become too much to bear, at times.

And it's our choice, often subconscious more than conscious!

We have chosen these roles, these definitions and these archetypes of masculinity. Sadly, there are very few male leaders in the highest of public service in business and government who show us a healthy version of masculinity (men of yesterday and today often skew towards control, because that is what was modeled for us).

The suicide rate of men to woman is 3.5 to one in favor of men being the outright “winners”. Sadly this stat is true for my generation in my old high school over the past 2 years, with regards to friends having taken their lives.

Where I see women modeling what men could really learn a lot from, is in how they connect with other women, to talk through their experiences and express emotion within their trusted friendship circles.

My wife and many women I love and know have “book clubs” to talk through feelings and experiences they are facing. I don't think books have ever been the magic or focus in these gatherings ;-)

3 years ago I went to a weird thing called a mens “meditation group” on a Tuesday night. Any man could come and meditate for 20 minutes and then share what it was like for them, if they wanted.

I started attending regularly (it was weekly) because I was curious about different meditation techniques and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Few men were regular on these Tuesday evenings but a handful seemed to become more familiar as the months rolled on. There were a variety of men who came, from different backgrounds, races and ages. It was and is still called “Men who Meditate”!

Covid ended the face to face gatherings.

As the restrictions began to lift the regulars in the group began to chat amongst ourselves. The thinking was to close the group to these regulars, 8 of us, and commit to exploring deeper relationships, exploring uncommon topics and uncommon dialogue (for men).

That was a few years back now and we still meet once a week on Tuesdays for 2 hours. We still meditate although we seem to have become the Men who do Breathwork now ;-).

Each week one man leads and creates the evening practice, feeds the wolves and facilitates the conversation or experience. We take turns to lead and be led.

We have spoken about our fathers, our joy, our utter failures, our childhood and our deepest fear amongst other more “unorthodox” topics for men to explore together.

We established that our core focus of the group meetings was in growth, self development and aimed at becoming better men and better human beings. We are all FULLY IN as Wimhof says, who has been a regular in our breathwork sessions.

What I have noticed which has changed since we began our deep dive into an 8 strong, deep diving group of men in conversation…

I trust men more, specifically about being real about all of me; the good, the bad and the ugly

I show up with far more courage out in the world knowing & feeling that a crew see the shit and good parts of me and still back me

I have and am connecting with my father as a man and not only a father; and subsequently I think he is more amazing than I ever gave him credit for as a youngster

I suffer bullshit and fools less, although I have grown far deeper compassion in dealing with both, through accepting my own bullshit and foolishness

I know what a healthy and imperfect man looks like now. It's not that obvious in our world!

I am investing in my older and longer standing male relationships differently, more deeply and appreciating them so much more than I have in the past and realising how fortunate I have been in my life

I am ok failing more often

I am also more ok looking like an idiot - well more than I did (it's a process)

I am constantly inspired by these men who model different gifts as they reach for uncomfortable growth

I know I can endure more and carry more responsibility for the right reasons - to serve and be of value to another

The list goes on but the point I want to speak to here is that us men could really use real conversation, without alcohol as the gateway into real connection!

We could use a “bookclub” and a space to be real with one another.

We could use being fully seen and heard at times, thats not just for women ;-)

We would do less stupid shit if we connected with more intention

This one is dedicated to Kip.