the evolution of freedom and value in regret
I have one tattoo on my body, currently.
It is the word freedom on the inside of my right wrist!
It was actually meant to be the word life in my great grandfather's handwriting.
He was both a priest and doctor who came to South Africa as a missionary in the early 1900’s. He and my great grandmother set up camp in an area called the wild coast on the east coast of South Africa establishing both a hospital and a church in the heart of Pondoland.
I resonate with the purpose and sacrifice of their decision to let go of their privileged life in England and serve humanity, in a way that resonated for them.
The decision came to get a tattoo after I had the incredible fortune of surviving a cancer I should not have survived.
I didn't want to forget how lucky I was, so I decided to get a tattoo so that when anyone asked me what sat behind the word, I reminded myself, in my storytelling, of what I had learned and never wanted to take for granted.
I have always held a fear, as long as I can remember, that I never wanted to know what regret felt like!
When I hit 80 years old and I don’t have the life force or energy to explore the world outwardly, I want to have the contentment that I gave the life thingy a good crack and didn’t hold back and regret any choice I have made in life.
I found my great grandfather's letters and searched for the word life!
Turns out that thing about doctors' handwriting goes back to his generation too - he was a scrawler!
I then trolled the web for a flowing and beautiful font which was easier on the eye than Oupa’s slanted and collapsed style of writing. He looked like he wrote in a rush, as I am sure he was with all he and my great grandmother took on in those days.
Time then ticked on and I grew frustrated and irritable about something I wanted to be inspired about.
I then made a fairly rash decision one morning to go to my closest tattoo artist around the corner (with the urgency of my forward slanted great grandad's writing style ;-)
In the moment, I changed the word from life to freedom because it has always resonated quite deeply for me.
The most impactful movie of my youth was Braveheart played by Mel Gibson!
My father's lineage and my surname are along a Scottish line and I loved the character of William Wallace who courageously defied the authoritarian rule of England over Scotland.
“Freedom on my wrist in this font please!”
The tattoo artist had a really good reputation in Cape Town. After telling her the story, she tried in vain to guide me back to the word life on the inside of my bicep in a very different and elegant font! I had my mind made up, in a state of haste and frustration.
So Freedom it was with a hint of red in the letter F…
Fastword 2 months, sitting with my first business partner, Jason.
“Should I get toaster on my wrist and we can be on brand for the business - hahaha”
What?
(The project we created our first business around was originally called “Freedom Toaster”)
Well, that was an uncomfortable joke and something I truly had not realized at the time - but wait it gets better ;-)
On the way home I had another uncomfortable realization as I was looking at my tattoo while turning my steering wheel around a corner.
My tattoo had the exact same font as the car brand I was driving - FORD. For fuck sakes ;-)
This was my first proper taste of regret and my first realization of just how powerful the subconscious mind can be and how conditioned thinking is created, intentionally or unintentionally.
Fast forward to a week ago and the wonderful human who is my sister, Tracy, has turned 50 years young. It is also an upcoming milestone and reflection point for myself too, as all the round number birthdays have the potential of being.
My wife and I have had the great fortune to be with my Sis and her family in their adopted country of the Netherlands.
It's been the most heart warming and joy filled couple of weeks and geographical break from the norm which has brought in a reflection pause of my own.
Being outside of our routine and country and although both of us are working remotely (quite easily with only one hour difference) this change in culture, surroundings and geography has allowed for quite an objective pause and view of our life and my choices thus far.
Being on the brink of 50 years old myself has brought a pause to critique past choices and recalibrate future choices, fairly organically as we celebrate my sister and her awesomeness.
The greatest of thoughts which have landed is in how fortunate I am in the life I have lived, especially with regards to my relationships.
The second truth which I know very well, but which lands with consistency is that I am very lucky to share my life with my wife, Marissa, having largely been a solo life traveler this far. Life is much better shared.
Another is how truly wonderful and generous my sister and brother in law are and just how much they serve those they love. Like my great grandad and great grandma, they serve their family, their kids and their future with conscious intention and selfless generosity.
They are truly phenomenal humans and I “rabbit” on a lot about this, but I am the wealthiest in life when it comes to my family relationships, especially when I see into the lives of clients and even friends, I not only love my family - I really like them a lot too.
The difference between those is very significant!
But a harder realization has been to see how my relationship and definition of both freedom and regret has changed since I inked the former onto my body. And it's not too comfortable!
Freedom meant adventure, anti-authoritarian control and chasing an exciting adventure focussed to do list!
My decisions were more short-term rather than long-term, more rebellious than accepting of the status quo and far more idealistic; rooted in the potential of what “can be” rather than “what is” currently.
What Freedom has evolved into is now quite far from what it meant in my early twenties.
It has become rooted in self-discipline, in the commitment to myself and a more longer term vision, and it’s asked sacrifice from my short-term impulsiveness. It's also more focused on financial stability for the mind space that accompanies it.
And although I have a long journey to fully integrate this new meaning and effect into my life I am grateful for the pause and adjustment in meaning, and for what it means for Marissa and my future.
I hesitate to say that I am finding more wisdom and maturity in age, because many around me could very easily counter that argument with some solid historical evidence ;-)
This is not something I ever thought I would say, but I am grateful I regret certain choices in my life!
Digesting regret and a significant change in how I see freedom has given me the ability to change and grow, and where I looked for short term pleasure and excitement in the past, I now truly value the tension of change and of regret (which I ran from) because it brings with it a much needed change, realignment and recalibration which is so valuable in what and who I value in life and the new vision I am building.
Happy Birthday Trace and thank you Pat for sharing such a beautiful celebration of someone so friggen heart-FULL & Lekker ;-)
