before an old belief dies it rages

It seems that whatever I write about in my blog post, I get an experience of it, shortly afterwards… so into vulnerability I go once more…

What is my EDGE?

Enough has been written about “living outside our comfort zone” in the personal development space. Another phrase is “doing it scared”.

Richard Branson is famous for his version of this “screw it, just do it”. It's probably why Nike has such a draw to us with its tagline of “just do it”.

LinkedIn is rife with these slogans popping up everywhere… but what really happens when we actually boldly step into the courage of change?

When I have challenged an old belief system in the past, I often forget what follows.

When I did my first ultra running race, Comrades Marathon, I was truly scared and insecure for months leading up to the event.

Closer to my first race start, all my doubt demons rose inside of me and their whispers, at first, chipped away little pieces of my confidence until these voices roared inside my mind and felt like they broke my belief.

Can I really do this?

I didn't know it was possible for me, at my core.

I had told many people dear to me about my entry into the event, so with deep fear and real uncertainty, I stepped onto the start line and after an emotional singalong of “chariots of fire” (Comrades traditional song which gets most in tears or to feel goosies) I put one foot in front of the next and rolled the dice!

On Saturday I will run a 100km trail race in the Cederberg Mountains called the Cederberg Traverse. It's harder than the Comrades Marathon, on paper, but because this will be my 11th ultra race, I am actually quite comfortable in the preparation for this race.

I might do well, I might have an injury and have to pull out - I am ok with whatever happens.

My EDGE is not in racing these races anymore. These are now actually now within my comfort zone and more about the adventure of what will be experienced.

Last night I got to the end of the day in one of the worst emotional spaces I have been in, in years. I have a number of heavy emotional things I am dealing with at present but it didn't explain the depth of fear and doubt I was feeling.

I literally questioned everything which I know to be certain within my life, from my work to my intimate relationship with Marissa. These are the two things I know in my bones are exactly where I need to be and who I need to be with!

But yet yesterday I questioned them… something I have never done and don't ever care to land in again.

I have worked fucking hard to realise the work that feeds my soul and also earn the relationship I have now with Marissa! I could not believe I could actually question these two “certainties”!

It’s as absurd as someone telling me the sky is actually red and not blue!

After the peak of all these feelings and tears and doubt and anger and sadness and and and…

I went to my weekly mens meditation group (men who communicate and who support each other to be the best versions of themselves ;-).

I explicitly told them as I entered the space: I am not willing to share tonight?

Which is actually hilarious… ;-)

Because it actually means (in our language) - well that's what's going to happen then brother Brett. You share - we listen. When you stop - we ask questions which lovingly pierce the truth and masks which are fooling you!

By the end of the love soaked rants from each of these men, I realized there is and was nothing at fault with the work I am doing - in fact it's about to change dramatically because of how well it's been going.

My relationship is not only ok, it's the best I have ever known and my wife knows just how to manage me when I don't have a clue what's going on with me.

She is caring and truthful! She doesn’t entertain my pity party but she deals with me with grace when I forget myself. In other words - she is even more perfect for me and I am even luckier to have won her heart for her grace and her unquestionable support. Nothing like proof of love when I am showing the worst of myself and she holds a loving image of me up, inviting me to step into it!

So what the hell is going on then?

I realized a few weeks ago that my business needs a rather significant pricing adjustment and also a shift in who I market towards, in order to be sustainable. I give a huge amount of myself and my energy to those I choose to work with, but my financial value perception has not risen with my work confidence and abilities.

Last week I decided to make a bold change.

This week a number of my beliefs around money are being held to account as I move towards action (poorly), reconciled against my aging car, Marissa and my need for a new bed, new glasses etc etc.

My dated beliefs launched an attack from within my blind spot with such sneakiness that I blamed my two life anchorst! My work and my wife!

The amazing men who so lovingly and fiercely reflect who I am to me weekly, helped me realize what was actually at play….

….that an old and long lived belief/story ingrained in my psyche launched a battle so fierce, I turned on myself!

It's not obvious, but I am experienced in these things having been through this cycle many times before, but what I didn't realize and have learned (the hard way) is that the deeper a belief is entrenched, the harder and more sneaky they will become to stay relevant!

Confusing me, a self proclaimed self growth addict, of what is now is so flippen obvious and a beautiful reminder to error on the side of self oriented grace, in future battles.

And I also know this reaction within myself, is actually in truth my mind protecting me from a perceived threat and risk. It actually comes from self preservation…

… something I needed when I ran away from the tiger, but which I don't need anymore.

And every time - when I challenge an old belief - it will rise to meet me, to ask the question…

How much do you want to change this broseph?

I see you…

hehehehe … and I am coming for you, you sneaky little aged belief!

And therein lies the trick - to see it and to honor it when it rises.