curiosity vs judgement

Being such a great human specimen, I often find myself in this quandary ;-)

A more and more subtle in-mind disagreement of what another person is saying, ultimately leaves me with a choice, if I am courageous enough to become aware and act.

… become curious and connect or judge the other and silently build a story in my own distrust!

If I keep silent, I usually develop a story about the other person's motivations (crucifying them to a bad belief against my ivory tower value perspective), but if I engage with curiosity and choose to share my feelings and thoughts, I risk honest conflict over dishonest harmony.

The juice of earnest human connection ;-)

The former, judgement, is easy, well programmed in our culture, rooted in fear and insecurity and often, very easily justified as professional or even cooperative.

The latter, to let true curiosity take the wheel, is to become a true master in humanity.

In the public domain, I see Trevor Noah and Jimmy Fallon do this well but more recently when I listen to Steven Bartlett from Diary of a CEO, I am inspired by his genuine curiosity. 

He has this very subtle way within his questions where right and wrong are absent within how he curates and constructs his questions.

They feel genuinely curious, absent of opinion and judgement. 

He interviews people on both sides of many fiercely opposing fences. He handles many with extreme views on the left and those on the right with equal space for exploring something to learn and as Brene Brown says: “if you expose yourself to the degree he does and you don’t get criticism from both sides, you are not doing your job properly!”

I think my favorite trait in others at this current moment is their (and my ability) to hold contrasting values and opinions in the same space, within a non-judgemental state of mind. 

And in my experience, people can FEEL this in our language.

I know at my worst I still argue with my wife to be right - I get caught in this pattern and can justify until the cows come home why she is so wrong and I am this model of righteousness and goodness. Yes, gingers can get it wrong ;-)

This trait pisses me off in other people, until I witness it within myself and walk the difficult path of owning it. 

The emotion, feeling or theme I then feel consumed by is Shame! My own hypocrisy becomes clear and this part is a deep humbling of my egoic judgement. A good cleanse too ;-)

Being the eternal optimist & diplomat, within how I know myself holding a dominant motivation as a seeker of harmony and diplomacy vs my aversion to conflict; it's interesting that my professional career is all about disarming judgement with my clients relationship within themselves as well as how this might be present in their relationships to others. 

And yet, my wife this morning experienced the contradiction. 

I am beginning to believe that our evolution as humans in this time of escalating othering in judgment, is a startling reflection of the inner dialogue most of us are conditioned to carry and express subconsciously. 

The real culprit? Is it actually them or is there a judge within me grounding a stance against myself?

Humbling questions right ;-)

This thought came up in my mind the other day which seeded all of this in a moment of curiosity around my origin beliefs…

What if this “judgment day” that Christians speak a prophecy about, is actually not some white bearded God oke up in the clouds damning us to hell, if we act vulnerably and oh so human. 

What if we are living in judgement day at this very moment, tormented by our own judgment of ourselves, conditioned by our societal roles & masks and if unaware, it becomes a misplaced projection against another.  

What if the truth of the Christian story is not as literal as Christ being a pathway to heaven/nirvana, but rather what this figure Christ represents - love, sacrifice and compassion for humans and humanity?

And in that, an invitation to free ourselves from self judgement…

And that what we do to and for ourselves we do to and for others!?!? conscious or unconsciously

Makes for a difficult awareness around how we talk about ourselves to ourselves.

In the work I do within the post cancer recalibration space, I notice that most “survivors” on their path to a new relationship with health, most often try tools and tactics to change behaviour which negatively affects their health and relationships. 

I notice that the tools and tactic motivation uses language like “should” “must” and “have to” - I see little change and little ownership when this is dominant!

I also notice that those who have the courage to reflect honestly with deep self-focussed kindness on their habits and lifestyle choices which might have contributed to their diagnosis, ultimately fall and land in a mix of shame but coated in grace and through compassion and self-focussed care… 

… and that in these spaces; change happens radically and beautifully. It seems only when the judgement is dropped that the connection to oneself can become earnestly nourishing. 

This is actually the thread that runs in the book Radical Remission - a diabolical book about experience learned health truths (evidence based).

What lands then is that when vulnerability and my ability to feel and not resist shame becomes directly related to how loud or soft my judgement of others and how this makes me right and them wrong!

And as Marc Brackett (author of Permission to Feel) says “ be the the scientist not the judge”

Stay curious ;-)