death cafe - what an odd place for life!

Last week I ran another Death Cafe event in Cape Town. When sharing the event, someone commented that “Death” was a touchy word to use and that we should consider another word in our marketing.

… you shouldn’t use “death”

…what about “recently passed”

We are getting quite touchy as a species currently - and that comes from Mr Touchy ;-). You will rarely find a more sensitive male, just ask my wife ;-)

The feeling which signals DEATH is a word that should be under scrutiny is not because it has a “wrong” version. Death is a neutral word.

The discomfort, I believe, is because we have such a fear based relationship with the word.

It shines light on that thing which is black in colour, is symbolised by skull and crossbones and personified by the grim reaper (scythe in hand).

DEATH is the “Voldemort” of our culture.

Western society celebrates youth and more often denies or marginalises the aged and is mostly silent in death.

I have celebrated weddings with all the fanfare afforded but I haven't seen the equivalent celebration or even commiserations as those same people sign their divorce papers.

I have toasted champagne when my business reached a sales milestone but I wouldn't dream of sharing the deregistration of our business on Facebook.

I have created an email to everyone in my company when a new salesperson joined. We welcomed them to the family. But, we rarely share the news when that same person wasn't a good fit, did not reach their targets or found another family who paid them more ;-)

It's very curious that death is truly the only inevitable guarantee in our lives but yet is a topic we rarely have the courage or curiosity to explore.

You couldn’t blame us considering the media’s narrative and how marketing execs glorify life, growth and expansion… but hold silence when a piece of our existence contracts, ages or dies.

Death Cafe was an experiment by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, later made prominent by John Underwood in the UK.

All it basically is, is a group of strangers getting together and enjoying tea and cake while speaking candidly about their relationship and experience of and with death.

Last night we sat in a cafe funded by the death of a mother. One of us faces terminal cancer, and two others support family members who are in the final weeks of their lives… and it was cathartic and surprisingly “light”.

It's one of the most counter intuitive experiences I have been a part of,... and it's the same at every event. You think it's going to be sad and heavy, and it can be but you are left feeling relieved, peaceful and unusually connected to these strangers.

I am always nervous and anxious before hosting one of these events and every single time I leave one, I feel more human, happier and more deeply connected to my life.

Why does speaking about something as seemingly macabre as death with a bunch of strangers make one feel both relieved and lighter?

Last week Tuesday was my 48th birthday and I made an appointment with my dermatologist because on my birthday I want her to say - “your skin is healthy, you can keep up your mountain running and ocean surfing!”

My dermatologist did indeed say my skin was in great shape and that I can keep chasing Joy in the ocean and the mountains ;-)

But what I now call a “breadcrumb from the divine” landed for me on this birthday when I was struggling with someone I love dearly, whose time will end soon.

My birthday reminded me that time has no stop button on it… they are going to die and I was lost in the sorrow of that prospective loss. That's all I could feel - sorrow :-(

Winny enters the scene…

Winny has worked for my dermatologist for the whole of the 2 decades I have been going to her. We have grown to know and become very fond of one another over the last +-20 years.

6 months ago Winny lost her husband suddenly.

My heart broke for her as I witnessed her in the depth of her grief, as she served me but could hardly string a full sentence together without her eyes filling with tears and a sorrow so deep, I couldn’t even imagine what she was feeling.

Cut to the present timeline:

I walked into my dermatologist's room on Tuesday 25th July 2023 and saw Winny for the first time in 6 months; her son is about to get a job on the cruise ships in the USA and I have never seen her more excited and alive in the 20 years I have known her. She winked at me, full of beans and life, and said - “Brett, I think I might be open to a relationship again,… my son is shocked” as she giggled to herself and to me ;-)

Winny reminded me that in death and with a surrendering to a whole hearted sorrow, there is always the seed of something new, something sacred and something unexpected.

Thanks Winny ;-)

Maybe that's why I always leave a Death Cafe feeling lighter, the relief of speaking the unspoken fused with the potential of what has been seeded… and is yet to come.