the wisdom and heartache of storms

I wrote a blog last year after finishing my first 100 mile ultra trail race. A South African trail running magazine published a version of my experience recently. Rereading the abridged article brought a lot of emotions and memories into feeling and focus.

I find it incredible how quickly the difficulties of the preparation and race are forgotten and with them, the reminders of how valuable storms have become in my life to open me up to all of life’s experiences, to galvanize my resolve and remind me of the depth of my own resilience and capacity to endure. All motivation for stretching towards a braver, more truthful and compassionate version of myself.

In my first Comrades ultra marathon, I was given a mantra from Heidi (a fellow runner, far more experienced and wise than myself at that point). I was hurting, my knee felt like it was about to explode and I could not understand why my tank was feeling empty after a mere 20 km into a 90 km race.

Heidi heard me out and offered me a deal in response! She would run with me at my pace to support me through my difficult period (known by most runners as “hitting the wall”) and for that, I would need to commit to repeating a mantra in my mind. If I did so, she promised I would finish my race in time to make the final cut off (12 hours). I had nothing to lose considering the fear of my mind at that moment - FULLY IN!

Repeated for 30 minutes up a 3km hill and beyond. Heidi held my pace and kept a supportive presence.

I am light

I am strong

This is easy

We remained silent for 30 minutes, after which she asked me how I was feeling. My knee was feeling great, I was strong and ready to push and increase my pace. Heidi with her grace, wisdom and support epitomized the essence of The Comrades Marathon, endearing me to her and the race. She wished me the best as I picked up my pace and ran into my first Comrades finish, a race which I have dreamed of running since I was 7 years old, watching as a boy in awe with my father nearly every year.

For my 100 miler race last year, another mantra became clear and aligned to some challenges I experience, not only in races but in life. Being a particularly sensitive human I have in the past fallen into over-identification with the stories of my mind set against the backdrop of my past, particularly acute when my emotions got intense. My growth in this life is to keep stepping forward in the direction of what I want, no matter what comes up or what emotions might begin to feel overwhelming.

I have done this so many times in my life, but I often forget this beautifully human trait, only paying attention to failures and forgetting their gift and their invitation.

My mantra for Ultra Trail Drakensberg was not only valuable for the 166 km run over the most beautiful mountains I had ever witnessed, but it has become the anchor for my life, my work and the gold in my life - my relationships! It has become my North Star…

Feel it

Keep Moving Forward

Drop the Story

Feel it: I realise emotions will come; acceptable ones and also those which are “not acceptable”. Blocking them fuels them like petrol on a fire. I now realise from personal experience and reiterated in research and literature I have read, within my professional work (coaching and facilitation). Emotions I now understand and know need to be fully felt and allowed through - not held against a dated story, and a dated and limiting belief!

Keep Moving Forward: Often intense emotions block action for me, specific to my personality type, but most certainly not exclusively to me. Action has often been the hardest step and as the race taught me with absolute clarity, there is no progress or possibility of success if I don’t put one foot in front of the next. Procrastination has been my preferred distraction, cause of anxiety and fodder for eroding my self worth ;-)

Drop the Story: The stories I have created based on my past are just stories, they are not real for me or anyone else. I have begun to realise with sobering truth that most of the older stories and voices deep in my mind are simply fabrications, some outright lies. They are unhelpful and they keep me boxed into a mindset about different aspects of life - running is now the tool I use to break these. My mantras now focus on dislodging old entrenched belief systems which no longer serve me.

Within the past couple of years with escalating consistency I have known four people from my school, one very close childhood friend, who have all taken their own lives.

I understand one thing very clearly, I could not even imagine what they felt, what stories drove them to take such painfully sad action and what help might have made a difference if they were able to ask for it - to ask for help. All that is real for me is sadness - deep sadness by the loss they leave for those who love them.

We are undoubtedly experiencing a masked storm on scale in the world. I hear this when I sit with good men struggling to know how to show up (I am one of these men), with clients fearful of changes and the fear of losing their jobs (valid or not) as well as those affected by cancer - uncertain if they will be one of the lucky ones and others who know they won't ☹️

I have no wisdom to share but rather an invitation to share ourselves more bravely, learned through my own life experience. This story and its lived experience is intended to show a little more of myself (the good, the bad and the unworthiness of being a human), from behind the curtain in the hope that it encourages permission for others to share a little more of themselves. Lifes journey is fucken hard at times, and in sharing our stories within our community, this has the potential of helping us normalise care, support through connectness!

This is evident clearly within longevity and cancer remission research - community is your powerful allies when facing storms. CLICK HERE for unequivocal evidence by Robert Waldinger sharing nuggets of wisdom from a 75 year study on the ingredients in having a good life!

My biggest realization of this entire life is that Self Compassion is insanely difficult in a world ever more polarized and unconscious to its expectations on the human mind and emotions,. It is critical in holding care for ourselves, and subsequently others.

Something which can only be offered to another, after we have offered it and accepted it within and for ourselves. Ok I might have lied about sharing “wisdom” and with a side of ego to boot ;-) clearly I have found my soap box.

Love to all you weirdos and thanks for being a part of my community and mental health!

This blog was inspired by the bravery of a man I admire greatly, for his openhearted courage, Ryan Dix Peek - the mastermind and brave heart behind our race. A Brave raver ;-)